Why We Do What We Do & Why Others Don't (Part I)
A cultural analysis of automatic behaviors, global norms, and the limits of personal choice.
“We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are." - Anaïs Nin
We live on automatic. As creatures of habit, we go through our days doing as we have always done.
These habits come from our culture.
With few exceptions, we see no reason to change them because the way we do things in our culture is the way things are done.
Your instinct to extend your hand in greeting, your choice of what to eat and drink at lunch, and even how you spend your weekends aren't your choices. Culture directs your thoughts and actions in ways you rarely notice.
But by understanding these invisible forces you can transform your life, how you connect with every person, almost everything you do.
We don't make our own choices
We think our actions and habits are “normal”, the “way things are done”, “the right thing to do”, or “common courtesy”. But these “universal” ways of interacting - thinking - are only normal for you and those of the same culture. As the Analects, a Chinese text from 200 BCE, states: "By nature, men are nearly alike; by practice, they get to be wide apart," or as I paraphrase it:
“We are all the same. We just do things differently.”
You bow to one another when you meet someone for the first time or a colleague in a formal situation. This is obvious. It shows respect, and it’s just the way we greet each other in these situations.
Lunch without a glass of wine or maybe a beer is awkward. It’s just natural to have wine with lunch before heading back to the office. It’s how we do things and what else would you drink - just sparkling water?
The weekend is for family. It seems wrong if you’re not spending time with your family. It’s the only chance to spend quality time with grandparents and cousins, and of course, the food is great and goes on all day. It’s the best way to relax and enjoy life after the work week.
If these Japanese, Spanish, and Mexican cultural norms seem unusual to you, it’s not because what they are doing is right or wrong or better or worse than what you do; it's that they just do it differently.
All cultures have a way of greeting each other, drinking, and relaxing.
We are all the same, and we do things differently.
How ingrained are cultural norms?
What happens when a cultural norm needs to be changed? It is fiercely resisted, even if it is clear it is dangerous. During the COVID-19 pandemic of 2020-2021, Italians were advised to stop greeting each other with a kiss on the cheek. This advice was to slow the spread of the virus and save lives.
My Italian cousin was unable to convince her mother to stop this practice. Her mother was incredulous, saying how rude it would be and she could not treat others, especially life-long friends, in such an uncivilized manner - even to save a life!
If you find this surprising - how hard it is not to kiss the cheek - recall that Americans were advised to stop shaking hands to slow the spread of COVID-19 and save American lives.
However, many Americans would not stop shaking hands because, as one midwesterner said on national news, “It’s just common courtesy” (I think it's more courteous to save a life).
As a global citizen and thinking individual, I was shocked to hear this. I found it difficult to understand such narrow thinking. The pandemic did not last forever. It was not difficult to say ‘salve’ or ‘hi’ rather than a peck on the cheek or shaking hands.
It turns out it’s very difficult to change cultural norms. Changing a cultural norm is literally changing the way you think. That's why it's so difficult to change. That's why it is so difficult to understand why other people from different cultures do things differently.
Part II
Next week, I’ll explain cultural perspective, lay out the cultural dimensions, and show how to change your cultural perspective to better understand the world.